TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let's have An additional location in which American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run Trump Tower Damascus proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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